What Is Self-Relationship? (And How I Created It Through My Own Journey)
For the longest time, I kept hearing about "self-love"—how I needed more of it, how it was the key to everything. And I wanted it. I really did. But every time I tried to practice self-love, I hit the same wall: I had no idea what that actually meant in practice.
Take myself on dates? Sure, but then what? Journal affirmations? Okay, but they felt empty. Treat myself with kindness? I tried, but I didn't know what kindness looked like when I was the one giving and receiving it.
I was stuck in this loop of wanting to love myself but having no roadmap for how. And that's when everything shifted.
From Self-Love to Self-Relationship
The breakthrough came when I stopped asking "How do I love myself?" and started asking: What if I built a relationship with myself the same way I would with someone I'm trying to know and love deeply?
That question unlocked everything.
Because I knew how to build relationships with others, I knew how to ask questions, pay attention, show up consistently, honor boundaries, and create trust. I had never thought to do that with myself.
So, I started treating self-love not as a feeling to chase but as a relationship to build. I began dating myself—not just in the "take myself to dinner" way but in the getting-to-know-you way. I asked myself questions. I paid attention to what made me feel alive versus what I was doing out of obligation. I noticed my patterns, my triggers, and my needs.
Slowly, I realized that self-relationship is what self-love looks like in practice. It's not just affirmations or bubble baths. It's the daily work of knowing yourself, staying present with yourself, and choosing yourself—even when it's uncomfortable.
That's how I created the concept of self-relationship. Not from a book or a framework someone handed me, but from living through my solo season and desperately needing to turn the abstract idea of "loving myself" into something tangible, something I could actually do.
What Self-Relationship Actually Looks Like for Me
Self-relationship isn't a destination. It's a practice. Here's what it means in real, daily terms:
Knowing yourself beyond your roles: You're not just a daughter, partner, employee, friend. Who are you when no one needs anything from you?
Staying present with your own experience: Instead of numbing, avoiding, or distracting, you turn toward yourself—even when it's uncomfortable.
Building trust with yourself: You keep the promises you make to yourself. You honor your boundaries. You show up for yourself like you'd for someone you love.
Learning your language: You understand what you need to feel safe, energized, connected, and whole. And you give yourself permission to ask for it.
It's choosing yourself—daily—even when choosing everyone else is easier.
How to Start Building Your Self-Relationship
If you're new to this work, here are three practices that helped me turn self-love from an abstract concept into a living relationship:
Weekly Reset Practice: Every Sunday, I ask myself three questions: What did I learn about myself this week? What do I need more of? What do I need less of? This simple practice keeps me connected to my own experience instead of sleepwalking through my life.
Audio Journaling: Recording your thoughts out loud helps you express your feelings, sit with uncomfortable emotions, and build confidence in making decisions. Speaking to yourself creates a deeper level of intimacy and self-awareness than writing alone.
Dating Yourself (Literally): Schedule time with yourself the way you would with someone you're getting to know. Go somewhere new. Try something that scares you. Sit in silence and notice what comes up. Treat yourself like someone worth knowing.
The Truth About Self-Relationship
Here's what no one tells you: building a relationship with yourself is uncomfortable. You'll meet parts of yourself you've been avoiding. You'll realize you've been performing for so long that you're unsure who you are without the audience. You'll feel selfish, indulgent, or like you're doing it wrong.
But you're not.
You're just finally choosing yourself. And that's the most radical, transformative work you'll ever do.
Because when you know yourself—really know yourself—you stop waiting for someone else to validate you, complete you, or make you whole. You stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace.
You stop living a life that looks good on paper but feels empty inside. Instead, you build something real—something that's yours—and that changes everything. This is the power of self-relationship, and it's a journey worth committing to.
If you're ready to go deeper into self-relationship work, I created a free Self-Relationship Assessment to help you identify where you are and what you need next. You can find it here.
