Why You Don't Need to Be Everything to Everyone (And How Self-Relationship Sets You Free)
I recently read something that made me sit with my cup of tea a little longer than usual. An article in Oprah Daily about how friendships—not marriage—are often the real lifeline in early motherhood. And while the piece beautifully captured the irreplaceable role of female friendship, it also stirred up something deeper in me. A question I've been sitting with for years:
Where did we get this idea that we must be everything to everyone?
Do we have to be the perfect partner, the doting friend, the involved parent, the supportive colleague, the present daughter, and the fun sister—all at once, all the time, without ever dropping a single ball?
Here's what I know to be true, and what that article reminded me of: You are allowed to occupy one beautiful, specific role in someone's life. You don't have to be their everything.
When I think about what I want in a future relationship, I'm clear: I want to be someone's wife and one of their best friends, but I don't need to be their mother. I don't need to be one of the boys. I may not even need to be their business partner. I want to be the person they come home to, the one they can always rely on—but I know I may not always be their go-to person for everything. And that's not failure. That's design.
The article discusses how the author's husband wasn't the person she wanted poolside with a Diet Coke or the person she texted about postpartum recovery. He wasn't supposed to be. Her friends filled those spaces—not because her marriage was lacking, but because different people meet different needs. And when we have a solid relationship with ourselves, we understand what we actually need in our lives to make them fulfilling, balanced, and whole.
Self-relationship teaches us this: When you know yourself deeply, you stop expecting one person to be your universe. You understand that you need variety—friends who get the messy parts, a partner who offers emotional and physical intimacy in ways others can't, solitude that reminds you who you are when no one's watching. You learn what kind of lifestyle lights you up, what boundaries keep you sane, and how many people you need in your inner circle (spoiler: it's probably fewer than you think, and that's okay).
This isn't about lowering expectations or settling for less connection. It's about releasing the impossible standard that anyone, including you, should be able to show up as everything, everywhere, all at once.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Here are three ways to start embracing this truth:
Audit your relationships through a self-relationship lens—in both directions. Ask yourself: What do I genuinely need to feel supported, seen, and whole? Make a list. Then look at the people in your life and notice who naturally fills which needs. But here's the shift: also ask yourself, What do I naturally offer them? What role do I play in their life? When we truly see ourselves, we begin to see others as who they actually are—not who we want them to be. This creates space for a reciprocal, honest connection instead of a one-sided expectation.
Practice saying: "That's not my role here." Whether it's in your romantic relationship, friendship, or family dynamic—give yourself permission to define what you are available for, and what you're not. You can be a loving partner without being your spouse's therapist. You can be a supportive friend without being their event planner, career coach, and cheerleader all in one.
Journal prompt: Where am I trying to be everything? Write about the roles you've unconsciously taken on that don't belong to you. What would it feel like to release them? What would open up if you did?
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
You don't have to be everything to everyone. You're allowed to be a perfect fit in one position in someone's life—and let that be enough.
When you cultivate a relationship with yourself, you stop performing and start living. You stop shape-shifting to meet every need and start showing up as exactly who you are—knowing that the right people will find you there, and love you there, without asking you to be anything more. This self-acceptance is the foundation of healthy, fulfilling relationships.
So here's what I want you to take with you today: You are not required to be everyone's everything. You are only required to be yours.
The rest? Let it find its own place.
With love and permission,
Shay
P.S Want to know where you are in your relationship with yourself? Take my free assessment here.
Inspired by "The Secret to Surviving Early Motherhood Isn't a Healthy Marriage—It's Healthy Friendships" from Oprah Daily
